Quick answer
Before getting advice, avoid threats, public accusations, pressuring the children, breaching an order, using maintenance or contact as leverage, deleting or altering records, entering private accounts, moving assets secretly, signing a settlement, or making an irreversible school, travel or relocation decision.
Key takeaways
- Do not make the child a messenger, witness, negotiator or source of evidence.
- Avoid threats about access, money, property, exposure or “winning” the children.
- Preserve full records; do not delete, edit, backdate or selectively publish them.
- Do not enter private accounts or hide, sell or transfer assets to gain leverage.
- Keep following operative orders while obtaining advice on a lawful change or urgent remedy.
- Do not sign, admit or waive important rights merely to end an uncomfortable conversation.
How to use this guide
Keep communications brief and child-focused, preserve records lawfully, comply with existing orders unless urgent legal advice says otherwise, and identify the immediate decision for the consultation. If anyone is unsafe, seek emergency or protective assistance rather than waiting for an ordinary appointment.
1. Do not pressure the child
Avoid asking a child to choose where to live, report on the other household, deliver legal messages, collect screenshots or repeat allegations. Do not rehearse what the child should tell a lawyer, court or Family Advocate.
The Children's Act recognises participation appropriate to age, maturity and development. Ask how the child's views should be obtained through an appropriate neutral process. The parental responsibilities and rights resource explains the wider child-decision framework.
2. Do not make threats or absolute predictions
Avoid messages such as “you will never see the children,” “I will stop paying,” “I will take everything,” or “the court will definitely agree with me.” Threats can inflame risk, create evidence and make practical cooperation harder.
State only the immediate concern, proposed temporary arrangement and response date. Ask the lawyer to assess the available route before announcing a legal conclusion.
3. Do not trade maintenance for contact
Do not withhold a child to force payment or stop support to force contact. Maintenance and contact are separate matters even though both affect the same family. Record each problem and use the correct advice, maintenance, Family Advocate or court route.
If an existing order is unaffordable or no longer suitable, seek advice on variation rather than simply ignoring it.
4. Do not breach an order casually
Read the actual parenting, maintenance or protection order. Do not rely on a summary from the other parent or social media. If a term is unsafe, impossible or unclear, obtain urgent advice and preserve the facts; do not silently rewrite it yourself.
An informal agreement may not have the same status as an order. Keep operative and draft documents separate in the divorce consultation document guide.
5. Do not delete or improve the evidence
Preserve complete messages, emails, files, payment records, photographs and notices. Do not crop away context, alter a date, edit a ledger, delete an embarrassing message or create a cleaner replacement without retaining the original.
The retained divorce-with-children evidence guide explains the complete preservation pack. Use a labelled working copy for summaries or annotations.
6. Do not obtain evidence unlawfully
Do not guess passwords, enter a private account, install tracking tools, secretly take protected records or ask the child to obtain information. Record what appears to exist and ask about lawful disclosure and preservation options.
Before making a recording, obtain advice on legality, safety, relevance and how it could affect the child or dispute. Do not provoke a confrontation to create evidence.
7. Do not hide or move assets for leverage
Avoid unexplained transfers, cash withdrawals, disposal of property, changes to business records or beneficiary changes intended to defeat disclosure or settlement. Preserve ordinary living arrangements where safe and record any genuinely necessary transaction.
If assets appear at risk, seek prompt advice about lawful preservation rather than engaging in competing secret transfers.
8. Do not publish the dispute
Do not post allegations, court papers, children's images, school details, medical information or private messages online. Public pressure can expose the child, destroy confidentiality and make future cooperation harder.
Share sensitive records only with verified people and processes that require them. Ask before circulating Family Advocate, counselling or medical material.
9. Do not sign under emotional pressure
Do not sign a parenting plan, settlement, admission, waiver, property transfer instruction or informal “full and final” note that you do not understand. Ask whether the proposal is interim or final, what becomes an order and which rights or obligations it changes.
The guide on when to speak to a divorce lawyer identifies common advice triggers. Request time for independent review where the situation permits.
10. Keep the safety exception explicit
Restraint does not mean remaining in danger or concealing harm. If there is domestic violence, immediate risk to a child, threatened removal or urgent medical need, contact emergency services or the appropriate protection and legal channels. The domestic-violence protection-order guide explains the separate safety route.
Record the specific safety concern and available evidence without alerting a dangerous person if that could increase risk. Tell the adviser about existing protection orders, weapons, stalking, threats and safe contact methods at booking.
FAQs
Should I stop communicating with the other parent completely?
Not automatically. Where safe, keep necessary child-focused communication brief and factual. Obtain advice on a safer channel or boundary if communication is abusive or risky.
Can I delete messages that make me look bad?
No. Preserve the complete record. Deletion or selective editing can damage reliability and prevent the lawyer from assessing the real context.
Can I stop maintenance until contact improves?
Do not use payment as leverage. Follow the existing order or agreement and obtain advice on the correct enforcement or variation route.
Does avoiding action mean I should wait if someone is unsafe?
No. Immediate safety, violence or threatened child removal requires prompt emergency, protective or legal assistance rather than an ordinary wait-and-see approach.
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Legal note
This article is general legal information for South African readers. It is not legal advice. Speak to a qualified legal professional about your specific facts before taking action.